Tuesday, September 11, 2007

If The Shoe Fits...



Ever since the New England Patriots defeated the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI, they've been unofficially dubbed America's Team. The underdog Patriots, in all of their Red, White and Blue splendor took to the field as a team instead of individuals and beat the heavily favored Rams in the first Super Bowl after the tragic events of September 11, 2001. Their rousing victory was accented by a memorable performance by U2 at halftime and a dramatic closing-seconds field goal to end and win the game. Five years and two more Super Bowl trophies later, their "America's Team" tag is as appropriate now as it was then.

This past Sunday in a game against the New York J-E-T-S, NFL officials consfiscated a camera from a Patriots employee on the sidelines. The NFL does not allow teams to have cameras on the field during games in fear of stealing the other teams signals, i.e. cheating. And that's exactly what the Patriots were doing, cheating. In fact, its came out that this may not have been the first time they did this.

With steroids running rampant in the MLB and referees betting on games in the NBA, I can't even say this comes as any surprise. When you think about it, the Patriots are simply living up to their namesake. Winning at any cost is a American way of life. We don't lose! Ask our President. That losing shit is for, well, non-winners. On top of that, when you think about the make-up of the Patriots organization, you'll see why they deserve to be called America's Team.

Quarterback: Tom Brady


Tom Brady is second only to Indianapolis Colts' quarterback Peyton Manning in the America's Favortie White Guy catagory. But Manning has a squeky clean image. Brady did too until a few months ago. Brady was dating actress Bridget Moynahan from '04 to about late '06 when he decided to run the option and start seeing model Gisele B√ľndchen. But, a couple months later it came out that Brady not only dumped Moynahan, but dumped in her before he left(gross, I know, sorry, I couldn't help myself). So, three months into his new relationship, he got a baby-mama running to newspapers saying she is carrying Brady's baby. The baby was born a couple weeks ago and Brady, like a good father, was present. Brady ain't really sweating this shit though. He got enough money to take care of the child and he is still dating B√ľndchen who according to Guiness World Records, is the richest supermodel in the world. So, basically, Brady got one chick pregnant and left her for a broad with mo' cash. Not only is that American, that's nigga shit! Guess now Brady isn't gonna be liked in that Manning kind of way...but more like that Bill Clinton kind of way.

Wide Reciever: Randy Moss


Speaking of nigga shit, it don't more American than Randy Moss. Growing up in West Virginia, Moss was THE SHIT in four sports, setting records and winning trophies in football, basketball (he won state championship with NBA point guard Jason Williams), track and baseball. He was signed on to go to Notre Dame, but got in a fight, making ND retract their offer. He transferred to Florida State, but got caught with weed, making FSU kick him off the team. Eventually he went to Marshall, wrecked shop for 2 years and got drafted in the NFL in '98. Dude was becoming the next Jerry Rice until he started doing shit like walking off the field during games, saying shit like "I play when I want to play," hitting police officers with his car and again, getting caught smokin' dat dank. After falling out with the Vikings and Raiders, the Patriots did the American thing and gave a troubled, talented, money-generating young brotha another chance at getting back on the right track. He had a great first game with them this past Sunday, hopefully he can keep it up.


Safety: Rodney Harrison


Strong safety Rodney Harrison got suspended for 4-games this season after admitting to taking Human Growth Hormone (HGH), which is a banned substance in the NFL. He said he was taking HGH to heal faster from the injuries that he's accrued over the last couple of seasons. Really, I can't be mad at dude for doing what he did. At least he admitted to it straight up. And said that he was taking it so that he could heal and get back on the field to earn his money, not to get an competitive edge. But still, only in America can you apologize for some shit that you MEANT to do, and say "It Was A Mistake." I feel you Rodney, I do that shit all the time.

Head Coach: Bill Belichick


This is the ring leader of the fuggery. This man stops at no means to win games. Not only does he condone signal stealing, but he even lies on injury reports to conceal team weaknesses from oppenents. But for some reason, when Belichick cheats, its called "crafty" or "wise." He comes from the Bill Parcells school of coaching and got his name on the map back when he was supposed to succeed Parcells as the head coach of the Jets. However, at his introductory press conference ol' Billy went to the podium and virtually said "you can take this job and shove it" and signed with those good ol' Patriots the next day. Legally, he was still under contract with the Jets, so instead of being left high and dry, the Pats had to give up a draft pick to get Billy. Ironically, years later one of Belichick's coordinators, Eric Mangini, left the Pats to take a head coaching job with the Jets. When the Jets beat the Pats that following season, Belichick refused to shake Mangini's hand. Now, thats some classic American shit. When someone does something you don't like, act like you don't know their ass the next time you see them.

The list goes on for things the Patriots have done that prove just how American they are. For instance, last year, America's Team taunted the San Diego Chargers after beating them in the Playoffs. They are also known to have forced former player Ted Johnson to perform in full-length practices, even after suffering a concussion.

And oh yeah, they don't like to pay the brothas! WR Troy Brown decided to stay loyal and take a pay cut to stay with the team. On the other hand, former Patriot Deion Branch, who rightfully demanded a pay raise after helping them win Super Bowl XXXIX, did his American thing and got the hell up out of dodge and went to the highest bidder.

For all of their winning, cheating and everything in between, congrats are in order to the New England Patriots for representing this country the right way!

7 comments:

CRUNKITE said...

GO BRONCOS!!!

FREE GREG ANDERSON!!!

PUT AN ASTERISK ON ALL OF RICK (THIS MY REAL LIFE IMPRESSION OF ROY HOBBS) ANKIEL'S SXCITING NEW POWER #'s!!!

Everything is right and exact in American... err... Western civilization.

LOL...

Miranda said...

Cheating is as American as apple damn pie.......and does anyone think the Pats care about draft picks? They didn't draft Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth or Adalius Thomas....damn a draft pick, they trying to win NOW.

jacinta said...

co-sign on what miranda said. that draft pick shit is bogus. where's the real punishment? this is a very serious breach in morality and threatens the very core of the game. hate to wax poetic on you, but it's the damn truth. as a football fan, i don't know how i'm gonna watch this sunday (can't do thursday cuz i don't have the damn NFL Network).

Gabby's World said...

J,
I think you'll agree that the whole "Protect the Shield" statement is supposed to be about the integrity of the Game. Goodell got it confused while he was handing out suspensions to players for what they did in the off-season, off the field and on their own time...okay, fine...but how can what any player did, be more detrimental than THIS? It can't be. What the Pats did affects the actual GAME. Big difference...but watch the media spin it as no big deal.

Miranda said...

The media loves the Pats, so watch them get a great big ass pass. I already heard Chris Mortensen with the "everybody does it" excuse. Funny how the players were accused of ruining the NFL with what they did on their own time.....well Pacman didn't brawl with a stripper during the 2nd quarter of a Titans game, Chris Henry didn't show up to a game high, Mike Vick didn't have pitbulls on the sidelines of Falcons games....Guess who's ruining the image of the NFL? How about the teams cheating during their NFL games??

Senaca77 said...

I thought cheater never win o well here's another lie America has taught us because the Pats win all the damn time

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